Hope Floats
I am pregnant.
I am seven weeks today.
We found out on New Year’s Eve. We celebrated the new year planning and dreaming for our new family of four.
But because of the person I am, I worried. I realized I worried because I felt funny. I started taking my blood sugar and I realized my Gestational Diabetes was back. I went to the doctor at five weeks. My blood sugar numbers were crazy like I was pregnant with twins, I was told. We did an ultrasound and saw a black dot, which is perfectly normal for five weeks. We found two corpus luteum cysts–like you would have with twins, I was told. Maybe the other twin was hiding. We’d look for it again next week.
Twins? Could it be? How wonderful! What a blessing! Our little family would be complete. How perfect would it be to have a boy and girl?
I went back at six weeks to see if we could find both babies and to see the heartbeats. What we saw was a black dot. The same as the week before, but bigger. Nothing inside but blackness.
Oh.
‘Perhaps your dates are wrong,’ I’m asked.
But I know they’re not. When you have fertility “issues”you know your days. We’ve been trying for seven months. Seven long months. And three cycles of Clomid. And taking my temperature and charting and using ovulation predictor kits. Baby-making in an infertile couple is time, monitored, and the most unspontaneous thing ever. I know because it took thirteen months to have MM. My dates are perfect–there is no way I could be measuring behind. She tells me I’m measuring five weeks, one day. There is only a gestational sac. No yolk sac. No fetal pole. No heartbeat. There should be a heartbeat at six weeks, but there’s not.
Oh.
‘Oh. Oh. Oh,’ I think back in the waiting room. I know what’s going on, but refuse to let myself think it.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
I sit on the examination table waiting for my doctor who is, thankfully, also my friend.
She comes in. We chat. She makes sure I’m certain on my dates. She doesn’t say the words–the words I’m hiding in my heart. The ones I’m daring myself not to say.
Blighted ovum.
She says we’ll do some blood tests today and in forty-eight hours. The same HcG tests we did with MM whose numbers doubled so perfectly. She said she would call me personally on Monday and let me know herself. She then uses the word–miscarriage–and everything kind of goes still. She says we can try again–that she’ll help us to get pregnant again. But everything might be okay too. We’ll find out on Monday.
I sit there numb.
Oh.
I don’t say much on the way home. Then I cry. The animal-like cries of someone who’s heart feels like it may quit beating. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m confused. I ask C. what did I do to deserve this. He tells me I’m crazy to think that, but it’s hard not to. I have just one partial ovary left. I’ve had cancer. Cysts. Surgeries upon surgeries. A year to get pregnant with MM. And then such a horribly complicated pregnancy that it almost killed me. More cysts. Fertility drugs. Now this.
Why? What did I do to cause this? Why can’t it be easy for me to be a mother? I go through the rest of the week in a daze. There are moments when I accept the fact that I am pregnant, but that there’s no baby. Other times I have faith that there is a baby hiding in there or perhaps the black hole we saw will just start growing like it should.
Maybe.
Perhaps.
If I didn’t have my sweet MM during all this I don’t know what I would have done–I can assure you I wouldn’t have handled it so peacefully. All I had to do was look at her face and it confirmed what I already knew–that even if I only have this one precious child then she is more than enough. But it doesn’t stop the yearning for another or the feeling that our family isn’t complete.
Thankfully, no one said the horrible, ‘Well, you can have another one.’ This week God was looking out for me there because I probably would have hit them. Those are words no one going through this should ever hear. We’re not talking about a cake that didn’t turn out, shoes that don’t fit, a bad day–we’re talking about a child.
I went back for my second blood draw on Thursday. I peek at my chart and saw my number from two days ago was 1428. Low, yes, but still within the normal range. At 1428 you would only see a gestational sac (you don’t see a heartbeat until 20,000). I start to feel hope. I try not to, I really, really do. I’m trying to stay numb for the news on Monday, but I can’t help feeling hope. I pray over and over, ‘Please God, let that number double like it’s supposed to’.
Over the next four days I think about that number–1428–every single minute. I haven’t had many symptoms so far, but when I wake up in the middle of the night nauseous, I smile. Maybe it will all be okay. Then my mind says, ‘Don’t get your hopes up, Natalie. Maybe not’.
But my mind can’t keep my heart from hoping.
Then Monday comes. I wake up knowing that I will remember this day for the rest of my life. It could be a day of happy tears and disbelief. Or…
Monday crept by. I had my phone in my pocket, but it didn’t ring. Finally, at 1:15 she calls. I know instantly it’s not good. My numbers went down from 1428 to 1200. We discuss my options. I decide to have a D&C on Wednesday since I have no signs of miscarrying on my own.
So, there it is: I’m pregnant, but with no baby. And I won’t be in 48 hours.
I’m really trying to feel numb about it all, but it’s hard. My emotions–the overwhelming sadness, pain, hurt, and fear that it might happen again–well, it’s hard to supress those.
Please say a prayer for me this week. I’m really going to need it.
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24 Responses to “Hope Floats”
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Oh Natalie, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ll be thinking of you over the next days, praying for strength of course. Please do let us know how you are doing.
I am so sorry. I’m crying as I read your post, and as I type this. I’m so sorry and will pray for you.
I’m crying with you! I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away, but instead I will pray. Because I know that infertility is a pain that can’t be understood – even by those of us who’ve been through it. So instead I will pray that God will give you peace that passes understanding.
My heart is with you Natalie!
I just sent you an email. I’m so sorry.
Oh Honey, I am so sorry! I will be praying for you and C! I have no other words.
*Hugs*
thinking of you
Oh Natalie…words cannot express! I had a doctor tell me once to “prepare myself for a miscarriage”…like anyone can EVER do that!!!! I will be praying for you!
Hey Nat Nat!!!
Wow.. I don’t know what to say.. I was so excited when you told me that I would be an Aunt again (and possibly times two)! I have thanked God everyday for you and the new baby that would soon be in our family!
I am without words right now. Mawmaw called me earlier and told me the news. I am so sorry that this happened. I can’t say I know how you feel because I don’t. But remember.. you always have my wonderful parents to talk to if you need to. They have been in your shoes too.. long ago.. but they have. I can’t imagine how difficult it is Nat! I love you and will pray for you every minute of everyday! Give that M.M a kiss and thank God that we have her to look at and love for now.. God has plans for everyone and maybe one day you will be able to tell me that great news again.. But until then.. I love you and I am terribly sorry and I will pray for you Nat! Love you tons!
Oh, I’m teary eyed for you. You are a wonderful mommy. So loving and so perfectly perfect for MM. Keep your spirits up. God has a time and a reason for all of this — and we just can’t always see or understand it. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself or ask what you did to deserve any of it. You deserve nothing but what God has planned for you — and I just KNOW that is another baby. Just in his time, I guess. Loads of love and prayers.
I’m so sorry Natalie
I sent you an email friend.
Natalie,
Brett and I are both praying for you. I’m so, so sorry Natalie.
My heart is aching for you right now. Lifting you up this whole week.
lots of love,
lane and brett.
Oh, so sorry. Thinking of you, Nat.
Words can not express how sorry I am. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! Sending comforting thoughts your way. I love you sweet friend!
I am so, so sorry Natalie. Prayers for all. I love you!
Oh…Natalie- I said a prayer for you..and my heart crys for you- I know the hurts of infertility… but I don’t know miscarriage. I can’t imagine the miriad of emotions you are going through. Hold MM close and know God Loves you! My thoughts will be with you tomorrow and in the weeks to come.
Nat-I’m thinking of you all day today, hoping that everything goes as it should and that you don’t let this get you too down. Cuddle Little Miss MM a bit more today.
Nat, bless your sweet heart !I can imagine how hard all this is for you but Honey, PLEASE try to think positive and do not even let doubt come into the picture at all. You are such a good Mother and I like to think that God will bless you with this pregnancy and give you the baby to love and cherish. Lifting a prayer as we speak…remember think POSITIVE ! I love you so dearly !
Nat, Please know my heart just hurts for you. I know what you’re feeling I’ve been through this twice in the last year and a half. Nothing on this earth will ever replace what you have lost but please know you will always have that angel in your heart. Prayers to you and C in the very difficult time.
I’m thinking of you and praying for you…I can’t imagine what you are going through, and I know that you have so much support and love surrounding you. We’ll all be here for you!
I read with excitement that you were pregnant and then the sadness of what you are going through and I think to myself how unfair. My sister in law had this happen twice and she has no babies and never will. It makes me feel guilty and if it wasn’t risky I would love to give her a baby. As I get older I realize we don’t do things wrong or ask for it (whatever it may be) – things happen and its out of our control. My thought will be with you.
I am so sorry!! You will be fine!! I was pregnant with Emily 3 weeks after D&C because of blighted ovum. You are going to have more babies as sweet as MM!!
Thinking of you today